7/10/18 -- 1:24 PM
The ways I find myself feeling about McKenzie are radically different from how
I've felt about anyone else. it's excitement, and joy, and eagerness; there is
no guilt, no regret, no scond-guessing, which is fascinating and amazing.
And terrifying.
I don't want to lose it.
I'm trying to not be afraid.
I want this to be amazing.
Whatever it is.
Do I have any business feeling this good?
How long is this going to last?
I guess there's really only one way to find out, huh?
I feel like I'm going all in on this. I don't know (explicitly) how she feels,
what she's thinking; we should probably talk about it.
She's changing me and I don't want it to stop. I'm planning my future around her
and that's so bizarre to me. Every time I've tried that before I haven't fully
committed and it hasn't ever ended up working out. Is this time different?
Again, there's only one way to find out.
Even though my life went *boop* in February and it seemed incredibly fucking
unbearable...
Hell, who am I trying to kid? My life has been absurdly shitty (almost
comically so) since 2012. So much fucking pain.
And as I look back and survey my past and I remember all of the things which
have impacted me so strongly, molded and shaped me, I can't help but hate how
much I appreciate it. While it was happening, I knew it sucked. A lot of it my
own doing. I knew it was all for some kind of purpose, though. It needn't be a
good one either; just a reason. And as I look at where I sit right now, I think
I'm in a pretty good spot.
A pretty __great__ __fucking__ __spot__.
Gonna take all this shit in stride.
I wonder how I'll look back on all this in a year. Usually I don't feel very
good.
This time, maybe it'll be different?
This time, I'll make it different.
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