7/24/18 -- 11:17 AM
_I_ _DO_ _NOT_ _KNOW_ _WHAT_ _I_ _AM_ _DOING_!
This is wildly reckless and I am so ready for it.
I haven't written in a while (again). Lots of long pauses between these
reflections. I'm not sure what I want to write about here. Not a whole lot has
ahppened, yet so much has happened.
I've reached that point where now _I'M_ the one who is scared about "what we
are". Do I want to have that DTR conversation? I mean, I kind of do. I'm just so
afraid she's going to duck like other people have, and I desperately don't want
that to happen.
Again, I wish I could read minds. I want to know what she thinks, how she feels,
what she's going through. I feel like her and I are very similar. That is both
exciting and concerning.
Well, whatever it is, I'm all in. Jumping striaght into this.
It's exciting. She's exciting.
She told me that people say she has a strong personality. I instantly agreed.
She asked why, but I couldn't put words to the feeling. But I think I've figured
it out.
She gets me to do things I wouldn't normally do. She makes me more outgoing,
more active, more receptive, more open. It's just something how she moves in the
world and interacts with it. it makes me want to join her on her adventure. It's
captivating, mezmerizing, motivating. She drives me to do more, compels me to
act. And not in a way that I begrudge her for, but in a way that I... Appreciate
her for? It's positive. I enjoy it. So it isn't a strong personality in a
negative way. She's just... Compelling.
I'm afraid that traditional roles have reversed here. Normally I am the more
reserved, less outwardly infatuated one. This time it would appear as though I
am the one who is absolutely crazy and it is she who is calm, cool, and
collected. Then again, that could just be a misinterpretation.
I just don't want to question it too much, you know?
I just want to let it be. I want this to develop
naturally and exist and be good and pure and fun and
safe and exciting and happy and easy.
And so far, it is. And it feels all the more amazing for it.
I still just, don't understand her? I can't figure her out. Is it just an
exposure thing? She seems complex, deep, rich. Am I idealizing her? I don't
mean to.
She's actively trying to leave the state...
We're going to have to have that conversation at some point. Will we follow each
other? This question, at this point, sounds much more like will I follow her.
And I think that the answer is yes.
________________________________________________________________________________
Dilyn Corner (C) 2020-2026